We have former NFL players, a Globetrotter and a Sports Analyst vying for Becca’s heart this season.
This is the best time of the year: The Bachelorette Cast Reveal. Yesterday, ABC released the bios of the 28 gentlemen who are dropping everything in their very important *randomly checks a bio* “Former Pro Football Player” jobs to vie for the hand of our recently-heartbroken Bachelorette Becca.
In case this is your first time joining us for The Bachelor/ette ride, there’s a little bit of catching up you need to do to be ready for the premiere of ABC’s booze-filled quest for love.
Q: Why is SB Nation, a sports site, covering The Bachelorette?
A: Because it’s sports! There’s competition! Drama! Intrigue! There’s even now an official Bachelorette fantasy league.
Additionally — in what I can only assume is ABC’s attempt to make The Bachelor/ette even MORE sports — many of the men hail from either a sports-related job or have a background in the sports industry.
Q: Who the heck is Becca?
A: She’s THE Bachelorette. Becca Kufrin is a 27-year-old publicist and was a contestant on Arie’s season that finished in early March.
Q: Oh, so she wasn’t picked by the last Bachelor?
A: Ehhhh, well, actually she was. Arie proposed to Becca with a huge Neil Lane ring in an emotional, heartfelt speech. They joked about having babies. Things seemed good.
Then, Arie couldn’t stop thinking about the girl he didn’t propose to. In what was finally, actually the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history, Arie invited Becca to meet him at a house in LA where he dumped her in the most painstakingly awkward way possible.
Becca handled it like a complete pro despite the fact that Arie brought the camera crew back so America could see him rip her heart out on live television before reuniting with Lauren.
Q: So, we like Becca?
A: Hell yeah we like Becca! She has personality and seems to have a girl-next-door kind of vibe. Plus, she dropped a shit ton of f-bombs on Arie and still came out looking classy and awesome.
Q: So, who will she be dating?
A: I’m so glad you asked. Let’s get to the “highlights” of the crop of guys who will be vying for Becca’s heart, drinking seemingly limitless booze, accusing others of not being in a giant mansion for “The Right Reasons,” and hoping to walk away in a couple months with bonafide Forever Love.
The most important part of the cast release is realizing that 27 of these dudes will be selling you Casper mattresses and opening FabFitFun boxes on Instagram in a couple months.
Let’s get to it!
Best Job – Christon, Former Harlem Globetrotter
WE HAVE A HARLEM GLOBETROTTER. Ok, technically he’s a former Harlem Globetrotter, but as they always say, “once a ‘trotter, always a ‘trotter.”
Here’s his full bio:
Bored with his corporate job in Detroit, Christon sent an e-mail to the Harlem Globetrotters to see if they were looking for new talent. Before he knew it, he was flying around the world entertaining thousands with his acrobatic dunks. Now a professional dunker in LA, Christon hopes finding love with the Bachelorette will be a lay-up.
I’m really hoping some PR person for ABC wrote that bio, because if he dropped that ‘lay-up’ line in there himself, that’s… disappointing. Furthermore, wouldn’t you want finding love to be a slam dunk? It’s not like he’s a professional three-point shooter making 55 percent of his attempts… a slam dunk should theoretically have better odds than a lay-up, right?
Tallest Hair – Connor, Fitness Coach
Can Connor wear hats, or is he relegated to visors like a Guy Fieri or Gus Malzahn? How many suitcases full of hair products did he bring on this journey? Connor, who is 25, hails from St. Petersburg, Florida. According to his bio, he is a “risk-taker”, but also passed up a chance to play for the Atlanta Braves (sports!) to become a fitness coach.
Best Outfit – Rickey, IT Consultant
I’m a sucker for bowties. I have no problem admitting that. But in a land of bland blue blazers and boring button-down shirts, Rickey is out here in a maroon bomber jacket and plaid bowtie. I’m here for it.
Guy That I Hate Myself For Liking Already – Colton, Former Pro Football Player
Let’s just look at Colton’s bio:
Colton was named after the Indianapolis Colts which would turn out to be fitting for this lifelong football player. He played professionally for three teams before an injury forced him to retire.
Ok… I’m going to skip the whole Colts/Colton thing. Injuries suck, so I feel for the guy having to retire due to that.
Post-football, Colton has dedicated himself to helping children fighting Cystic Fibrosis.
Awwwwww. That’s very sweet. How can you not like a guy that helps children and donates his time and efforts to charity?
When he’s not working on his charity, he’s spending time with his family and his dog, Sniper.
HE. HAS. A. DOG. NAMED. SNIPER. Sold.
Job I’ve Never Heard of That’s Not Really a Job – Jean Blanc, Colognoisseur
Seriously, the computer doesn’t recognize that word. Does that just mean he collects a lot of cologne? Wears a lot? Makes a lot?
He recently relocated to Pensacola where he works in finance and continues to add to his very impressive cologne collection.
This is really weird. Did he relocate to Pensacola for the finance job, or for all of the cologne? I’ve spent a significant amount time as a resident of Pensacola, and I wouldn’t call it the capital of finance or cologne, so this whole thing confuses me. I hope they address it.
Most Luscious Hair – Leo, Stuntman
Look at that mane. His bio says he’s been growing his hair for 10 years which is a hell of a commitment, tbh. He also says his favorite style is a “messy bun.” Same, Leo. Same.
Guy in the House That Every Other Guy Will Hate – Nick, Attorney
Take it away, Nick’s bio:
Nick is a fun-loving attorney with a zest for life. When he’s not winning trials, you can catch him in his signature tracksuits being the life of the party. Nick is a self-proclaimed “weekend warrior” who loves brunches, barbeques and the beach.
Yes, that bio includes the phrases “signature tracksuits” and “weekend warrior”.
Sportiest Sports Analyst – Mike, Sports Analyst
When ABC went live on Facebook to announce our the new cast, Sports Twitter was abuzz when it discovered the true identity of “Mike – 27, Sports Analyst”.
extremely important: who is the “sports analyst” on The Bachelorette. Come on one of you has to follow him if he’s really a “sports analyst” pic.twitter.com/kKqDeXoZHD
— Rodger Sherman (@rodger_sherman) May 17, 2018
“Mike – 27, Sports Analyst” turns out to be none other than Mike Renner of Pro Football Focus. WE HAVE ONE OF OUR OWN VYING FOR FOREVER LOVE.
Clearly, Mike is now my new favorite, and it’s not just because of his
d reamy eyes luxurious locks gorgeous smile sports job.
He also has a dog named Riggins.
Mike looks like Beast from Beauty and the Beast, after he turns back into the Prince. I like Mike.
Most Relatable Job – Kamil, Social Media Participant
I mean, same.
Most Likely to Have a Dumb Gimmick Getting Out of the Limo – Jason, Sr. Corporate Banker
One of the previews has someone showing up to meet Becca in a chicken suit, and I don’t think it’s going to be Jason. Something just makes me think he’s going to have a super cheesy gift to give her or some grand gesture as she awkwardly stands outside the mansion and meets her parade of men.
Mainly, it’s this sentence from his bio:
When Jason’s not rooting for his hometown Buffalo Bills, he’s belting out tunes from his favorite Disney movies. He’s hoping to sing his way into the Bachelorette’s heart.
How is it possible that the embarrassing thing in there is that he’s a Bills fan?
Legitimately Sweetest Thing in a Bio – Lincoln, Account Sales Executive
Lincoln would love to have a big family to make his mom proud.
LINCOLN. SWEET, SWEET LINCOLN.
Most Likely to Make Me Roll My Eyes but Becca Will Like – Jake, Marketing Consultant
Becca is a Minnesota girl, and our pal Jason here is from Minneapolis. He’s a motocross fiend and will likely write Becca a poem at some point on this journey (please, for the love of all things holy, no poetry). He also apparently “loves a good dance” — whatever that means.
My favorite part of his bio is this, though:
He’s also jumped off the third highest bungee jump in the world!
Third highest? GTFO, Jason. Highest or nothing.
My Frontrunner For No Real Reason – Joe, Grocery Store Owner
All season, this will be a spoiler-free zone. I am not one of those people that reads Reality Steve to find out who the “winner” is. So this is purely based on photos and bios alone: I think Joe will do well this season.
Maybe it’s the smile that’s slightly higher on one side. Maybe it’s the twinkle in his eyes. Maybe it’s the overall friendliness of his face. Regardless, Joe is my guy. His bio lets us know he was one of the youngest day traders on the Chicago Stock Exchange before — get this — getting away from it all and opening a grocery store.
This is the third guy in a bomber-style jacket, so either ABC is dressing them or they’re all subscribing to the same stylist at Stitch Fix. Somehow the grey tee and olive jacket says “I’m cool, but I’m also super chill.”
Can’t wait for Joe to actually be the one who shows up in a chicken suit, gets shit-face shlammered and is sent home the very first night.
The Bachelorette premieres Monday, 28 May, at 8pm ET on ABC.